Deja Vu

We've been here before. I've been here before.

I keep having this *aha* moments (thanks, Oprah). But are they really aha moments when you don't follow through with them? I had aha moment #1 back in January. I was sick of the 15 pounds that I had put on and bought Jillian Michaels' "Winning by Losing." Per her instructions, wrote down my goals and my rewards for hitting those goals. I soon forgot about all of this and gained a bit more weight.

Aha moment #2 came in May when I had to dig out my clothes from last summer and realized I didn't fit in any of my pants. Oh crap. Time to lose some weight. So, I signed up for Weight Watchers online. I lost 7 pounds in the month of June... and gained them all back by the end of July.

I had aha moment #3 this weekend. Nothing is as unforgiving as facing yourself in the dressing room mirror. I'm in the same place I was over Memorial Day weekend. I didn't lose anything, and in two weeks, I need to face a classroom full of kids, and I'm not going to do it in clothes that are noticeably tight. So, I went shopping and realized that I looked pregnant in everything. I bought three tops and walked away not feeling great. I felt like I finally had clothes that fit me, but I was unhappy in having to buy those sizes that I thought I said goodbye to 24 months ago.

I've been making every excuse in the book not to go to the gym. My cortisone shot. Being tired all the time. Having tummy issues. Time to stop. Time to just focus on the end goal. Time to just get on that elliptical and move closer to where I want to be. I want to not be on blood pressure medicine. I don't want to have a high risk pregnancy when we're ready for kids in a few years. I don't want to look pregnant when I'm not. I don't want to be tired. I want what I had last summer... I felt fit, self-confident in my clothes, and happy. I got the happy part. Now it's time to journey onto the other two.