Feeling Stronger Every Day

So, on Tuesday, I started the South Beach Diet. It's something that I've thought about for a while, and in fact, I've owned the book since March (and read it then too!). After my scare on Monday, I decided to try something different. I went grocery shopping and stocked up on cheeses, meats, and nuts and yummy veggies. My official weigh in is tomorrow, but I'm very pleased at what has been going on with my scale.

I also feel like I have more energy, which is funny, because I always associated carbs with energy. At the gym, I've been punching out great workouts this week and I feel refreshed and energized after they are done. Compared to what I've been doing over the past few months, it's nice not to feel completely exhausted and depleted after working out.

Do I miss carbs? Oh yeah. While eating my eggs and turkey sausage this morning, I couldn't help but notice the aroma coming off of Roo's cinnamon bagel. Or how tasty his hamburger looked with a bun on it while I was eating mine bunless. Or how great a bowl of cereal sounded last night while I was munching on my ricotta creme nighttime snack. Yesterday, when I stayed at the office a bit longer than I expected to, stranded with just a string cheese and some almonds, I wanted to eat some pretzels or something else to stabilize me. It's just so easy to reach for carbs when you're not thinking... and honestly, they are my comfort food. Does that mean all carbs are gone forever? No, they're just restricted for the next two weeks, and I am going to allow myself a "cheat" meal once a week. But I do think that once I move onto Phase 2 (where carbs are less restricted, and you're supposed to pay attention to the Glycemic Index), I will be eating less carbs than I usually do.

But I have to say, I am *never* hungry (minus me not planning on staying at the office for lunch yesterday, and then getting bogged down in work that kept me there way past my usual lunch time... but that's more bad planning on my part rather than me starving from not eating enough).

Is this a crash diet? Trust me, that is a concern of mine. I'm worried that once I reintroduce carbs into my diet, the pounds that have left will come back with a vengeance. However, there are plenty of people who eat less carbs and focus on eating "real" (non-processed foods) that have been successful on this type of diet.

Why am I doing this? First, it was suggested to me by my doctor as well as friends who have been on low-carb diets. Secondly, I need a change. Roo asked me the other night why I can't just stick to Weight Watchers (and therefore have more flexibility in what I can eat) and the answer is I HATE COUNTING POINTS. I hate getting so wrapped up in "how many points is this" or "what should I count my activity as for today". It. Drives. Me. Crazy. I love the idea of intuitive eating, and if that means restricting my diet for a few weeks while I learn what I should "intuitively" turn to when I get hungry, well then, let that happen.

Slipping Through My Fingers

Yesterday was one of those days that I never want to experience again. But, funny enough, it's something that has happened to me twice in the past six months. At the doctor's office, my blood pressure shot up ridiculously. 160/110. To me, that is unbelievable. It's even more ridiculous since I monitor my blood pressure daily, and it's never been that high. I have white coat syndrome, but that can't possibly be the reason behind why my BP was that high.

Seriously, bless my doctor. He's my allergist, and honestly, one of the nicest men that I've ever met. After the nurse showed her bad bedside manner to me (literally strapped a BP cuff around my arm and told me to sit there and that she'd be back), he took over. Took the cuff off of me, told me to get down off the table and have a seat on a regular chair and just sat there and talked to me to calm me down. After that he told me to lay on the table, close my eyes, and relax as he took my BP again. The number came down enough that he was okay sending me home, but he then spent the next few minutes talking to me about being active and eating right. I told him about my weight loss journey and how frustrated I've been over the past year, and he was empathetic. While I was talking, I realized what I needed to do, and how I need to go about doing it. Do I really want this to happen every time I go to the doctor's (which, yes, I already made an appointment with my PCP to have my BP checked out... although it is MUCH lower this morning, thank goodness)? Do I want to be pregnant and have to deal with being a high risk pregnancy because of my weight and my blood pressure?

The answer is no.

Mini Success

After that confession earlier in the week, I stepped up and really committed myself to eating right and hitting the gym every day. I really want to get back to going to the gym in the morning, so that is my goal for next week. However, since the beginning of the week when I got uncomfortably close to my unmentionable weight, I've lost two pounds. I'm so happy. I realize that losing weight isn't easy, and I think I'm finally getting back to the point where I am ready to put in the hard work to feel good again. Yay! Aha moment #3 might just be working :)

Deja Vu

We've been here before. I've been here before.

I keep having this *aha* moments (thanks, Oprah). But are they really aha moments when you don't follow through with them? I had aha moment #1 back in January. I was sick of the 15 pounds that I had put on and bought Jillian Michaels' "Winning by Losing." Per her instructions, wrote down my goals and my rewards for hitting those goals. I soon forgot about all of this and gained a bit more weight.

Aha moment #2 came in May when I had to dig out my clothes from last summer and realized I didn't fit in any of my pants. Oh crap. Time to lose some weight. So, I signed up for Weight Watchers online. I lost 7 pounds in the month of June... and gained them all back by the end of July.

I had aha moment #3 this weekend. Nothing is as unforgiving as facing yourself in the dressing room mirror. I'm in the same place I was over Memorial Day weekend. I didn't lose anything, and in two weeks, I need to face a classroom full of kids, and I'm not going to do it in clothes that are noticeably tight. So, I went shopping and realized that I looked pregnant in everything. I bought three tops and walked away not feeling great. I felt like I finally had clothes that fit me, but I was unhappy in having to buy those sizes that I thought I said goodbye to 24 months ago.

I've been making every excuse in the book not to go to the gym. My cortisone shot. Being tired all the time. Having tummy issues. Time to stop. Time to just focus on the end goal. Time to just get on that elliptical and move closer to where I want to be. I want to not be on blood pressure medicine. I don't want to have a high risk pregnancy when we're ready for kids in a few years. I don't want to look pregnant when I'm not. I don't want to be tired. I want what I had last summer... I felt fit, self-confident in my clothes, and happy. I got the happy part. Now it's time to journey onto the other two.

Stumbling

Ugh, another week, another up and down weigh in... this week I'm up. Considering my previous post where I admitted to not working out once this week (okay, that's not true, I did work out yesterday), it's really no wonder. But I really got to thinking about this and I've come to this conclusion:

Maybe the gym really isn't for me anymore.

We all get bored with various routines. For instance, lunch. I have a habit of making sandwiches for lunch a lot. Then, I get bored and start making eggs or soups or warm lunches. Then I switch back when I'm sick of soups and salads. I've already done this with my workout routine. If I remember correctly, this is what the past few years have looked like:

Spring 2008: Worked out with DVDs, started C25K program in April
Summer 2008/Fall 2008: Joined Gym #1, did lots of elliptical, stairmaster, and rowing along with weights
Spring 2009: Joined Gym #2, started going early in the mornings, but it didn't work out.
Summer 2009: At Gym #2, discovered my love for spin classes
Fall 2009/Spring 2010/Summer 2010: Paid for Gym #2, but barely went. Ever.

I am starting to wonder why I felt that I needed to be a member of a gym in order to lose weight, especially since I haven't really gone to the gym regularly for the past 11 or so months. I have to admit that I joined Gym #2 mainly because that's where all my friends were going, and now we all have different schedules, so I don't really get to see any of them. So, right now, I'm considering two options: return to my workout DVDs and see how that goes OR rejoin Gym #1. I'm going to give myself the next few weeks to really consider what I want to do before school begins. Gym #2 is definitely crowded during the school year, since it is the rec center for the campus, and I really enjoyed Gym #1 for not being so crowded and always feeling like I could get my workout done without having to wait for equipment.

Anyway, the next few weeks will be my trial period to see if I can get over my gym boredom.

My Head Says Yes, But...

Oh readers... I was doing so well. SO well, I tell you! But I just haven't been able to get my butt out of bed to hit the rec at 6AM this week. I blame it on my allergies. Yesterday, I put up a facebook status about how my allergies have been running me ragged, to the point where I took a nap on Saturday, Sunday, Monday, AND yesterday... and I never take naps. Luckily for me, my head is finally feeling less clogged and I don't feel so lethargic but sheesh... pollen controls my life, I guess. That being said, I like going to the gym in the morning. But I really need to work on my bedtime. In my previously single life, I used to go to bed at 10PM, read for 30-45 minutes and then turn off the light in order to wake up at a normal time to hit the gym. Now, in my couple life, I stay up with Roo (the fiance) until 11 or 11:30 and then snuggle in until 6:45. This needs to change. And maybe August is the month to do it.

I've also been presented with another challenge:



This is my friend, the wrist/thumb immobilizer. I've been having pain through the base of my thumb into my wrist in my right hand since early to mid May, and after a slipshot diagnosis by my very pregnant PCP (seriously, if you're 40 weeks pregnant, maybe you shouldn't be working), I insisted in going to see a wrist specialist. I knew that it couldn't be a ganglion cyst causing that pain (again, back to the pregnant PCP feeling up my lumpy wrist... PCP: I can move your cyst! Kiki: Really? Because I can't! Gimmee a referral!). And in fact, it wasn't. It's tenosynovitis, which is basically the inflammation of the tendon sheaths in my wrist. Lovely. The wrist specialist opted to give me a cortisone shot and give it a few months to see if that helps. If not, I have to get a minor minor surgery to place an incision on the sheath to give it some breathing room.

The specialist gave me these instructions: Use my wrist splint at bedtime and to use my head. Crap. That means no golf or tennis for a while to give my wrist a break. That also means that pushups are out as an option, and when I do some (not so heavy) strength workouts, I'll probably have to wear that lovely above. But that's not going to stop me. My 30s are going to be SO much healthier than my 20s, even though my body is slowly falling apart :)

Ups and Downs

This week has been a rollercoaster of emotions. Mainly, it's been associated with the scale. I have a bad habit of weighing myself every morning. To me, it's a motivational tool. If my weight is up a little bit, I know I need to work a little bit harder, whether it's at the gym or through food, to get back to where I'd like to be. And, this week, since I've recommitted myself to eating better and hitting up the gym, I just expected to see the scale go down.

Um, wrong.

It went up. And up. And up. To this point where I was just SO uncomfortable with those numbers that were on the scale. What was going on? My weight NEVER fluctuates that much. A pound or two, sure, but never... ugh. Not to mention, that I was back to normal with my exercise. I went to spin class twice this week, did the elliptical on Tuesday afternoon, and considered some weight training but never got around to it. So why were these numbers upsetting me so much?

As one of my friends told me, I'm a scientist. I like to quantify everything. How true.

This morning, I woke up and weighed myself. Down FOUR pounds from that uncomfortable number. WTH? Maybe this is the lesson I need to step away from the scale and not depend on that for validation. I don't think I'll ever be one of those weigh myself once a week people, but I definitely don't need to upset myself every morning. Sigh.

Good Morning Sunshine

After spending a week at my mom's house, enjoying (read: engorging myself on) her wonderful Italian cooking, along with eating out a ton with family and friends, it's no surprised that I gained close to two pounds. Instead of beating myself up for that last night, I took a proactive approach. I decided to hit the 6:15 spin class on Monday morning. Oh yeah, that's right, 6:15 AM, people. Now if you know anything about me, it should be this: I love sleep. I need sleep. Do not mess with my sleep. It's no wonder that for close to two hours on Sunday night, I hemmed and hawed about setting the alarm for 5:40AM. Would I just jolt me and Roo (my fiance) out of bed? Or would I actually get up and get going? I set my clothes in the bathroom to make a quick escape, just in case I felt motivated.

Surprisingly enough, I woke up feeling challenged at 5:40. The alarm went off once, and the Snooze Queen got up out of bed. I was surprised to see that the sun was actually up at that time of morning while I tied on my sneakers and headed out the door. I didn't feel tired and instead enjoyed the calm morning as I walked up to the Rec.



The spin class was only half full (which is a summer trend and will end in about a month), but my favorite instructor Brian never fails. I started taking in classes last summer, when he taught in the afternoon, and I got hooked. He knows how to push, but just enough. He also has fabulous taste in music (hello! who else warms up to something as cheesy as "California Gurls" by Katy Perry at 6:15AM??) and knows how to count to the beat. I stopped taking his class when he moved to the 6:15 schedule. Silly me.

I'm not going to say that today was a walk in the park. By 4PM, I was tired and had a headache. In fact, I feel like I'm just getting my second wind. However, that's not to say that I won't be back at the gym at 6AM tomorrow morning. I love this new schedule. I like waking up and getting my workout done first thing and then have the rest of the day to get my work done and then enjoy dinner and some time with Roo and Miss Kitty. This new schedule might just be the thing I need to jump start... well, me.

Emerging from my cocoon

Hi y'all... I took a Kiki style hiatus from blogging, my job, and well, from life. Over the past six months, I've been on a sabbatical from my job as a tenure track assistant professor, and honestly, how it went was a toss up. Workwise, it was tough. I am a very structured person, and I love a schedule. Sabbatical = no schedule. It was hard to get myself to focus, even harder when my papers were rejected swiftly, and harder still when I put pressure on myself to accomplish as much as I could. Personally, it was crazy. I got engaged and moved in with my sweetheart, which made me SO happy, but at the same time, I never felt so isolated personally and professionally. Most of my friends are people I work with, and since I wasn't going into the office, I felt that most of my social life revolved around my honey and the cat. Fitness? Bwahahaha. Sabbatical means never having to put on real pants, and let's just say it's a scary situation when your sweatpants that are supposed to be comfortable become tight. I mean, seriously, I was squeezing myself into sweatpants. Who does that?

How did I go from a 172 pound Hard Core Kiki to a 193 pound (my high was 197) soft and round Kiki? Stress? Laziness? Elastic waistbands? All of the above?

Yeah, probably.

I figure the best thing to do was be honest with myself. I went from 250ish pounds to 172 pounds over two years. That's a 78 pound loss. SEVENTY EIGHT POUNDS. Wow. Now, I'm up 20 pounds from my lowest low. I can do this again. One thing that I did was create a game plan for when I come back from visiting family next week for my eating and fitness goals over the next five weeks. I have plenty of motivation... fit in clothes that are just sitting in my drawers right now, get off my blood pressure medicine, and (my ultimate goal, years down the road) be fit enough to have a safe pregnancy and live a long life.

There are things that I've realized. I'm not a runner. I never have been and never will be. I do love cardio though, and the endorphins that come from it. I like spending time in the gym, on various machines that are available to me like the elliptical and the stairclimber. I also LOVE spin class, which is something that I haven't done in a while, because my favorite instructor has been teaching at 6:15AM (did you see that lazy part up in the first paragraph? Yeah, that extends to my sleeping habits). I also LOVE feeling strong. Weights are my friend, and I really hate how soft my middle and arms have gotten since I haven't been weight lifting lately. These are things that I remember that helped me on my weight loss journey and things that I actually liked. By incorporating them back into my life, I can get back to where I want to be.

So, what's this blog going to be about, and why did I feel the need to start *another* new blog? Well, first, part of my job is publishing, and every academic loves the chance to "revise and resubmit" a paper rather than being outright rejected. That's how I feel about this weight loss journey that I've been on since Fall 2007. A paper hardly if ever gets accepted outright. I feel that a person hardly if ever is completely successful in their first stab at weight loss. It's easy to get stuck on a plateau (or like me, gain some of that weight back) and say, "ugh, I'm done, I'm never going to reach my goal weight." But that's not what I'm going to do. I'm going to look at what I've done and compare it to what I've been doing (uh, nothing) and... revise my plan and resubmit to my weight loss journey. This blog is about honesty with myself and allowing myself to share my thoughts on this journey.